You know, ever since my bite was confirmed to be a bite, I've been dwelling on the fact that the stupid spider could have bit Jamesen and if it had, there was a very real possibility that he could have died. He's not dead and is perfectly fine but my heart is aching at how close I was to possibly losing him. Again.
I can't put the kid down lately. There have been a few other things that have really been making me dwell on it. One is the story of a little boy who was diagnosed with a heart defect in utero and wasn't expected to live who just had successful heart surgery and will be fine. Reading up to that point that he will be fine, I can't imagine what his family went through never knowing if her son would make it to the next year, the next month, the next day.
Brittanie also started a blog about Cora and that one's really been hitting me hard too. I think other than Matt and my mom, I was the the most affected by Cora. I can't explain it to you at all, but I felt that I had a bond with her. She was due on my due date and would have been born on my birthday had things been different.
I can't really explain what's going on in my head. I'm breastfeeding so I do still have crazy hormones going on, but I can't shake the thought of losing Jamesen. The kids almost been drowned twice and was only two inches from me when I was bitten by the spider. The staff infection alone could have killed him. It was kicking MY butt! Can you imagine what it would have done to his tiny body?
My heart aches. It seems so silly that I'm dwelling on it. You know, from the moment I conceived him I thought I was going to lose him. I thought for sure they were going to tell me something was wrong when I went in for the gender ultrasound. But he's fine. And since he's almost drowned twice and it's not happened, it's pretty obvious to me that he's supposed to be HERE. He's got angels watching over him so why am I so upset by this?
Why do I feel this way for Jamesen and not Marcus? Silly thought here, but every time something has been wrong with my kids, I've known about it. Even when people have said "oh it's nothing", I KNEW something was wrong. So this feeling I'm feeling for Jamesen is kind of freaking me out. He's perfectly fine, but I can't shake the thought of almost losing him again.
The ''Bug" in me is back
8 years ago
((hugs))
ReplyDeleteHere's what I think: 1) when you were pregnant with Marcus, you hadn't had a child yet, so you didn't really understand the impact of what a loss would really mean. So of course you'd be more afraid of it after you know what you'd be losing. In some ways I was more afraid of losing Patrick than I was of losing Erin.
2) He's the one who is still completely dependent on you. YOU have to be the one who does everything for him still, so you're hyper aware of the dangers.
3) He's HAD so much happen to him already, so you're worried if it continues his luck will run out at some point.
Am I close on any of those?
((I think you had a special connection to Cora too))
i think 3 is the one I'm worried about. It seems like something is out to get him and what happens if his angels are all out to lunch?
ReplyDeleteThere are enough of them that you know they won't ALL leave him alone!
ReplyDeleteIf you guys only could remember how many times you had close calls. That happens a lot with kids. When you have your own you notice it more. It's a wonder as many babies survive that do. Anyway, the angels are never out to lunch. They don't need to eat.
ReplyDelete