Full Blown Terrible Two's

We've hit the terrible two's and we've hit them hard! He's been toying with the idea of terrible two's for the last few months, but it was never this intense. The last week and a half -two weeks however have been full blown melt down central! He completely melted while we were at the pumpkin patch a few weekends ago (a few times too actually) and he also melted when we tried to get him to help us carve pumpkins. There have been quite a few times that I'll be on the phone with my mom or best friend Shauna and J will just go crazy and they get to try and hear me over a screaming toddler.

It's not been ALL bad though, I have to admit. He's sleeping better, though he's fighting naps. He's also gone from calling me meme to calling me ahmee which is really cute. We've also FINALLY gotten him to say please for something without freaking out which is a huge plus.

Marcus had his hearing and eye screening on Tuesday. He passed! Now we can finally move on to speech therapy. I've heard really good stuff about the speech therapy around here so I'm hoping it will really help things to move along on Marcus' talking department. I really don't want to have to hold him back from school a year because he can't talk properly. As it stands, he would not do well in school because he doesn't communicate with you except for when he needs something. He's just started answering questions and interacting with tv shows though so I'm hoping that improves drastically in the next few months.

We also found out that our baby is indeed a GIRL! I was right again :) I'm pretty good at guessing baby genders if I do say so myself. We're going to name her Gemma Nichole. I've kind of gone crazy in the clothes buying department lately. I'm buying everything clearance or second hand so we can afford to clothe this princess! We won't be having a baby shower because we don't know anybody here so we're on our own! I know we'll get some help from my mom but she's got a lot of grandkids to spread the love to so I can't expect too much. We're super stoked though. We would have been happy with another boy, but we're so excited and happy about a little girl! Sabe's already talking about her being wrapped around his finger! :)

I hope to be able to get some good shots of the boy in their costumes. They don't really like costumes too much sadly so I expect lots of screaming and crying when I go to put them in them. I'll post them anyway. You know me :)

Until then!

The clock is ticking

I've got an ultrasound on Saturday at 1130 to find out the gender of our little bub. I'm pretty sure it's a girl though so it's just going to be confirmation. With that date quickly approaching, it's suddenly hit me that I'm having another baby. The constant sickness and fatigue of the first trimester didn't really mean much apparently, haha! I've been feeling better, feeling kicks, buying girl clothes (careful to make sure I can return them in the off chance it's a boy) and it's just getting so real. The clock is ticking. I hit 16 weeks yesterday. I'm over a third of the way there, in fact, I'm almost half way there. by Christmas time I'll be almost 2/3 of the way over and Christmas is coming fast!! I'm going to be having this baby before I know it!

So because of this, I've been really trying to soak up as much of the boys as I can. When I had Jamesen, a lot changed in Marcus and I really miss his carefree little self. He's not been the same. I'm preparing for the boys to change again. I predict Marcus will want to help with the baby... a lot... like I'll have to watch the baby like a hawk or Marcus will pick her up. Jamesen is going to be very jealous.

Anyways, on top of everything, I'm just feeling so grateful for the little spirits I've got the blessing of being the mother of. My kids really are such great and wonderful kids. They drive me nuts sometimes, but for the most part they tug at my heartstrings and make me want to do anything I can to see those giant smiles on their faces.

We went to a pumpkin patch last weekend and had so much fun! It took us almost 2 hours to get there but it was worth it. Sabe and I were actually kind of laughing. Jamesen was really grumpy and done with the car after about an hour. We drove for hours on end for 4 days straight when we went from Utah to Georgia. Why can't they take a 2 hour drive with DVD players? Silly boys. Anyways so when we pulled up, the first thing we saw was this giant playground. What a welcomed sight after being in the car for that long! The boys were in heaven! They went running as soon as we paid to get in and we spent the first almost hour on it.

Then I was able to entice Marcus over to the "chicken coop". It was a little building with the bottom full of corn kernels. I've never seen anything like that before, but it was a huge hit. The boys loved it. Two down falls though, corn in the shoes and covered in a yellow dust afterwards. They had a ton of fun though so it was worth it as well.

We then got to go on the boy's first hay ride. They were so cute and cuddly, just enjoying watching the scenery go by and playing with the hay. Jamesen kept picking up handfuls and throwing it into the air, it was really cute. Marcus just snuggled right up to Sabe and didn't want to move. He stepped in a pot hole and hurt his knee on the way to the hay ride so I'm not sure if that's why or if he was just soaking up daddy time since we don't see much of him during the week.

After the hayride we went and fed the animals. They had goats, a sheep, a donkey and a llama. We were told to feed the llama first because he was a prideful thing and would spit if you tried to feed him after feeding another animal. Marcus was all for it and was super excited to feed the animals. Jamesen, not so much. That is, until Sabe picked him up and fed the llama with him in his arms. He made a munch munch sound while the llama was eating and Jamesen got a kick out of it. He wanted down and then timidly fed an animal. Once he fed the first one, he was all for feeding the others and we went through our food pretty fast. The smiles on their faces were so sweet. Jamesen kept making the munch munch sound when he was feeding the animals. It was really funny! We should have gotten a video.

After the animals, we did a pumpkin catapult. It was right down Sabe's alley! We were aiming for buckets but didn't make one. The boys had a blast anyways. The pumpkins were tiny little things and they thought it was so cool that they were actually allowed to launch something into the air without getting into trouble.

After that we went and painted some pumpkins. By this time it was Jamesen's naptime and we had a few meltdowns, but it was still fun. The pumpkins are covered in blobs of paint and sitting outside our door. They're such perfect decorations :) Too bad they won't keep forever. I'm the type of mom to keep her kid's art projects, haha!

After pumpkin painting, it was clear Jamesen was ready for his nap so we grabbed a quick bite of their famous strawberry icecream and headed for home. It was such a great day. The kids had a blast and loved it so much. They do strawberry picking in April. I really want to go but it all depends on how easy going the baby is.

Jamesen is seriously talking so much. It's amazing to me. After having Marcus not talk for so long and be so far behind, it's amazing to have my two year old saying the things he does. He says thank you, bless you, you're welcome and we're working on please. He's a little parrot lately and we have to be careful what we say. Marcus will repeat us and Jamesen repeats everything Marcus says so we have to be careful, lol. He knows almost all of his letters and we're working on colors. He's such a smart little boy.

We've got Marcus' hearing and eye screening on Sabe's birthday (the 25). Once he gets that out of the way we'll be able to put him into speech therapy. He's already doing so well catching up, but I'm hoping that he'll learn better through someone who's 1. not me and 2. trained to teach kids this sort of thing. I'll update you when we've gone to that appointment and what they tell me. I still think he's dyslexic. I hope he's not but he just seems like there's something wrong sometimes. We'll see.

Anyways, I wanted to share with you the faces I've been spending all day every day with. They're so beautiful and sweet to me. I've got my mommy goggles on really tight! :)















Mom I thought you'd get a kick out of this one. It makes me giggle every time he does this.

Another sleepless night

I've had really bad insomnia this pregnancy. I have it bad anyways but lately I just can't sleep. It's almost 2 am and I'm laying awake thinking about things and running through memories in my head. Makes it impossible to sleep. I just can't shut my brain off. So I'm going to blog my thoughts in hopes that I can get them out of my head so I can sleep. I'm sorry if this is totally random or makes no sense.

I was thinking back to high school and back to the me I was back then. I wish I was the me now back then. HS would have one a lot better. I had no self confidence. I had nobody telling me I was worth anything. People at church didn't like me, my siblings didn't like me, my "friends" at school were awful to me. I don't even know why they pretended to be my friends. They kept me around to bully and humiliate me and I was so starved for attention that any attention was worth it, only they made me feel even more awful about myself.

By the time I went to college, I was so ready to leave. I felt a sudden freedom. I was my own person. I no longer had to deal with other people's rules. Only I was still me and I still had this knack of making people think I was annoying or what not. People didn't like me in college either. I dated, but guys never asked me out. I made them think they did, but it was always me planting the idea in their head to make them think it was their idea. They always got bored of me really fast and broke up with me (though I have to admit that most of the time I made it boring on purpose so they would break up with me. I also planted that idea in their heads to make them think it was theirs).

I never broke up with any of my boyfriends in college or high school except for one (he was scary and it was much needed!) I couldn't let go of them, no matter how awful they were treating me or how unhappy they were making me. I stuck around because I needed to feel needed. I drove away quite a few good prospects with that fault of mine too. I was super clingy and needy.

And then Sabe came a long. Sabe actually saw me as something worth keeping. He even told me at one point he didn't want to lose me. Suddenly I was genuinely worth something to someone. Slowly ever so slowly I grew in confidence with myself. I started to like myself and Sabe liked who I was and who I was becoming. He was the reason I had confidence. The only reason. He was the reason I felt beautiful. He was the reason for me trying to be something more than just a pretty piece of meat. He took the time to get to know me and nourish me and help me gain confidence. He brought out the best in me.

Of course he also brought out the worst in me, but that was after I was ok with who I was. I was able to put the two side by side and realize that just because my legs had been kicked out from under me didn't mean that I had been crippled. I'd been hurt, but not enough to ruin me like it would have ruined HS me. Yes I have my bad mopey days where I hate the world or get so fired up over what a certain person has done to me in the past that I'm a ball of negative, but it's not very often. I'm not perfect, but thanks to Sabe I'm getting closer (not that I think I'll ever reach perfection in this life, but at least I'm not as high maintenance as before!)

I just really wish I could go back to HS me and tell her to stand up for herself, to stop letting people bully and humiliate me. To just relax through college and not be so petrified of being alone for the rest of my life that I latch onto boys like a parasite holding on for dear life.

That being said, I've come really far in who I am and yet I'm still petrified of people not liking me. It's so pathetic sometimes. Some of my siblings dislike me and have made it very clear they feel that way. Some of Sabe's family has done the same and I just can't help but feel like they're not judging me on the entire picture. They're judging me on what they want to see and it's so much easier to put the blame on me rather than admitting there might just be a legitimate reason for how I'm acting.

I've become a reactor. I react to things and that's it. I never act anymore. I've come to realize that people don't really know the real me. They have an idea of who I am in their heads so when I act, they see something totally different than what's really there and react accordingly, even though it may be totally unwarranted for them to react that way towards me. I've come to realize that I'm a magnet for drama, especially when it comes to mine and Sabe's family. I can't even sneeze without somehow having drama smack me in the head because of it. So I've learned it's better to just not act. But that even backfires on me. People are expecting me to act so when I react, they don't see that the reason I've just reacted that was is because of THEM. It's really quite frustrating to be honest and it's caused me to cut a lot of caustic relationships out of my life. I can't win for losing and I was sick and tired of fighting a losing battle.

It's really funny for me to sit here and write how much more confident I am only to sit here and realize that while I'm typing it, I'm still very very vulnerable. I'm still desperate for attention. I'm desperate for friendship. I'm desperate to be accepted and not be judged. It's gotten to the point where I don't even bother trying to make friends because the rejection hurts more now than it did even in HS. I'm constantly wondering how certain family member's of Sabe's really feel about me. I'm constantly worried they're spreading nasty rumors about me between each other (and I've got a right to feel that way too as it's happened before and somehow nobody even cared to admit that the person starting the rumor was in the wrong. I was the drama queen for getting upset).

I dunno. I just feel like I'm done. I'm done worrying about other people's feelings. I'm done trying to feel accepted. Here I am admitting that I will probably never be accepted anywhere. For some reason people just don't like me. I have that gene where I tend to say stuff and it comes out completely wrong and by the time I realize what I've said people are super offended and won't listen to me when I try to explain myself.

I've come to the conclusion that I need to just be content with how it is now. I've got wonderful company in my crazy boys. They def. keep me busy during the day and give me plenty of affection. At least I can hope for them to have the gene Sabe has towards his mother; unwavering loyalty, no matter what the situation is, even if she's wrong.

Anyways, I'm starting to get tired. I shouldn't publish this, but I'm going to. I'm going to and then tomorrow morning I'm going to read it back to myself and come to more realizations about my life and what direction I need to go in. We've got big big changes coming up. A double whammy that will rock my world. I need to be prepared in any way possible.

Ugh I need to blog.

I knew this was going to happen. Why did I think I could somehow skip around it and be happy with no problems? Why was I so determined despite misgivings? Maybe because I wanted to feel like I had a normal life again? I WANTED to be happy? I wanted to move on and forget the whole dang thing had even happened!

It feels like Kentucky. Not as bad by any means. I just feel like I've been here before. I feel like a rerun. I'm beginning to feel stuck with no friends, nowhere to go and a husband who is rarely home only now I've got no sister to talk to because I can't forgive her at the moment, I've got misgivings about certain people's whereabouts, and I've got nowhere to walk to. We've got a huge backyard and it's getting cooler but we can't walk to the park. The park near here goes towards the edge of the scary part of town, the part I don't like to go to alone with a car, let a lone walk there!

I just feel like an idiot for getting pregnant again. I should have known our marriage wasn't ready for it. That I personally wasn't ready for it. That our family wasn't ready for the added stress. I'm a lot more emotional this time around.. I've got a lot to be angry about. Sabe and I talked about me going to a counselor but who the heck am I kidding. I don't know anybody to watch the kids and Sabe's job makes him an unreliable baby sitter. I've not gone to the dr for my pregnancy yet because I don't know anybody.

What's worse is that I really don't have a desire to know anybody. I don't have a desire to get close to anybody or depend on anybody. I don't want to have my heart ripped out again, I had enough of that in the last two years to tide me over for the rest of my life.

Sabe and I don't go anywhere, or do anything. I feel like we're suffocating. I feel like we're paddling in circles because we're going in opposite directions. This wasn't how I had planned my life going. Though I feel like if we just hang in there for like 3-4 more years we'll be in a lot better place. We'll have a big chunk of our car debt paid off and have a lot more breathing room, a lot more play money to go and do things like take the kids to the movies, hit up the festivals when they around, go out to eat every once in awhile and not worry about spending all our food money in the process.

I feel like a broken record right now. I'm irritated. Mostly at myself for being too optimistic. I knew this was going to happen. I knew the novelty of a new place all alone would wear off and I'd feel alone.

All alone.

I need to make friends for my kids, so they have more kid interaction. I need to start taking them to the parks on post more often so they get away from the house. I need to DO more stuff. I just feel so stuck, so stretched. It's hard to have the motivation to do anything when you've got things weighing both your brain and body down.

The only thing I can hope for is that when this baby comes out, they're super laid back and don't cry very much. I honestly don't know how well I would handle things if I had another Jamesen on my hands. I'd probably act the same way I did last time (which, for the record... wasn't that great).

At least my boys have each other. If I turn into crazy psycho mom who can barely handle anything unless it's been scheduled down to the minute, at least my boys have each other to keep themselves company. That makes me really sad writing that. I hope it doesn't come down to that again. If it does, I can hope they won't remember this time in their lives when their mom was a crappy mom.