Moving On

I've found myself in a weird place. My PPD is trying it's hardest to hold on to me while the rest of me is trying so hard to break away. There are days where I feel normal and amazing and love my children and love my life and all of that and then there's the opposite side of the coin. My dark days. I'm having them less and less often but they're becoming worse as they get further between. I become enraged at the slightest things, I don't want to do anything or have anything to do with these beautiful children of mine and I certainly don't want anything to do with Sabin who, on those days, I see as a grown man who can take care of himself and doesn't need me to hold his hand.

The reality is, I've been yelling far too much, especially on the dark days. Today was a dark day. I yelled at Marcus and he started crying saying I was scary. I don't want to be scary. I don't  want him to remember scary. Growing up, I don't remember a single time my mother yelled at me. I remember days she was irritated, disappointed, mad whatever, but I don't remember a single time she yelled at me. I remember so many moments of her smiling and laughing though. I want my kids to remember me that same way.

So here's my pact, written for the world to see to hold me to it; I will not yell, not even once, for a week (minimum). On September the 25th, I will be back here to write down my accomplishment or I'll either avoid it or delete this due to failure. Or you never know, I might admit I failed and then turn around and try it the next week. My point is, my children are growing before my eyes and Marcus is an elephant. He's 5 now so he'll have memories from this age when he's grown. If he has a single memory of me yelling, I want it to be so long ago in his past that he can't remember it well. I don't want it to be clear as day or not too long ago.

I'm going to kick this PPD in the butt, now, while my children still think I'm the best thing since sliced bread. I don't want to be scary.

Random thoughts and updates

I've decided to write a book.  I've had a few people over the last few months say some pretty harsh things about my boys and myself and I decided to write a book. I'm taking a month and writing about the random happenings of every day so people can see a small glimpse into our lives and maybe, just maybe, understand a bit of what we go through.

I'm also writing another book that has nothing to do with that sort of thing. I had a dream and just started mapping out this idea and have talked to a few people about it who think it sounds really cool. I doubt either book will get published, but you will always fail if you never try, right? Doesn't hurt to try. If nothing happens, I'll just have amazon publish it and mail some copies to a few select people, bahhahahaa! Not really, but that would be funny if I did.

We took a huge plunge and purchased 200 roaches from an online store for our 6 froggies. The difference in my frogs is actually really amazing already! I couldn't be happier! The roaches freak me out though and the day we got them in the mail, I was hyperventilating saying I couldn't do it. The roaches are a lot better for my frogs though and the two of them that I've been really worried about are turning around already! Boo to the nasty crickets!

Marcus is doing really well in class. He has a little girl friend that he hugs every day and they get so happy when they each other. She says hi to Gemma every time we come to class too. He's also always talking about a boy named Johnathon. I asked the teacher about it and she says they're friends and play together a lot. It makes me feel a lot better that he's making friends. I was worried that he wouldn't since he speaks differently than all the others.

Also, Marcus had a great birthday. I'd been feeling immensely guilty since Jamesen's first birthday was huge and extravagant and Marcus hadn't had a huge party before ever. His party this year wasn't as big as Jamesen's first, but it was bigger than any party he'd ever had and all the kids were having a blast so that's what counts. He loved it!

Jamesen started doing really bad in therapy. He went from going and being happy to be there and being able to leave me and do the therapy without me perfectly fine to screaming when we got into the parkinglot, clinging to me for the first 15 minutes and barely cooperating for the rest. He's getting better as we continue to go thank goodness. School starting really threw him for a loop, poor kid!

Today though, he insisted on bringing marcus' old backpack to school and wearing it in. He was sooo cute in it! He qualifies for the STEPS program because of his asperger's and we've got an appointment for his eval to find out where he is and what he needs and how many hours he qualifies for. I figure he'll probably qualify for about the same amount of time Marcus did when he was in the STEPS program, 6 hours a week. I don't really know how it's going to go down with his separation anxiety, but we'll see I guess. We're making him a calendar with the faces of his therapists and a picture of the school to velcro on the days he has to go somewhere so he hopefully doesn't have as hard of a time transitioning through everything.

Gemma's doing great. She's rolling around like a mad woman, chatting up a storm and is starting to sit. She's in that stage where she can hold herself up for about 30 seconds as long as her feet are placed right and she doesn't move around too much. She'll be sitting in no time! It's pretty exciting and sad at the same time since she's our last. She just turned 5 months on Sept 9. That FLEW. she's almost half a year already.

She's been grabbing at our food and drinks like crazy lately so we tried her on a bit of home made peas.  It didn't really go over well. Her facial expressions were hilarious. We put that idea on ice (literally, there's home made baby food in the freezer, har har) and will revisit it later.

Pictures for this month can be found HERE


Anyways, that's what's been going on! We're doing fab :)