Another sleepless night

I've had really bad insomnia this pregnancy. I have it bad anyways but lately I just can't sleep. It's almost 2 am and I'm laying awake thinking about things and running through memories in my head. Makes it impossible to sleep. I just can't shut my brain off. So I'm going to blog my thoughts in hopes that I can get them out of my head so I can sleep. I'm sorry if this is totally random or makes no sense.

I was thinking back to high school and back to the me I was back then. I wish I was the me now back then. HS would have one a lot better. I had no self confidence. I had nobody telling me I was worth anything. People at church didn't like me, my siblings didn't like me, my "friends" at school were awful to me. I don't even know why they pretended to be my friends. They kept me around to bully and humiliate me and I was so starved for attention that any attention was worth it, only they made me feel even more awful about myself.

By the time I went to college, I was so ready to leave. I felt a sudden freedom. I was my own person. I no longer had to deal with other people's rules. Only I was still me and I still had this knack of making people think I was annoying or what not. People didn't like me in college either. I dated, but guys never asked me out. I made them think they did, but it was always me planting the idea in their head to make them think it was their idea. They always got bored of me really fast and broke up with me (though I have to admit that most of the time I made it boring on purpose so they would break up with me. I also planted that idea in their heads to make them think it was theirs).

I never broke up with any of my boyfriends in college or high school except for one (he was scary and it was much needed!) I couldn't let go of them, no matter how awful they were treating me or how unhappy they were making me. I stuck around because I needed to feel needed. I drove away quite a few good prospects with that fault of mine too. I was super clingy and needy.

And then Sabe came a long. Sabe actually saw me as something worth keeping. He even told me at one point he didn't want to lose me. Suddenly I was genuinely worth something to someone. Slowly ever so slowly I grew in confidence with myself. I started to like myself and Sabe liked who I was and who I was becoming. He was the reason I had confidence. The only reason. He was the reason I felt beautiful. He was the reason for me trying to be something more than just a pretty piece of meat. He took the time to get to know me and nourish me and help me gain confidence. He brought out the best in me.

Of course he also brought out the worst in me, but that was after I was ok with who I was. I was able to put the two side by side and realize that just because my legs had been kicked out from under me didn't mean that I had been crippled. I'd been hurt, but not enough to ruin me like it would have ruined HS me. Yes I have my bad mopey days where I hate the world or get so fired up over what a certain person has done to me in the past that I'm a ball of negative, but it's not very often. I'm not perfect, but thanks to Sabe I'm getting closer (not that I think I'll ever reach perfection in this life, but at least I'm not as high maintenance as before!)

I just really wish I could go back to HS me and tell her to stand up for herself, to stop letting people bully and humiliate me. To just relax through college and not be so petrified of being alone for the rest of my life that I latch onto boys like a parasite holding on for dear life.

That being said, I've come really far in who I am and yet I'm still petrified of people not liking me. It's so pathetic sometimes. Some of my siblings dislike me and have made it very clear they feel that way. Some of Sabe's family has done the same and I just can't help but feel like they're not judging me on the entire picture. They're judging me on what they want to see and it's so much easier to put the blame on me rather than admitting there might just be a legitimate reason for how I'm acting.

I've become a reactor. I react to things and that's it. I never act anymore. I've come to realize that people don't really know the real me. They have an idea of who I am in their heads so when I act, they see something totally different than what's really there and react accordingly, even though it may be totally unwarranted for them to react that way towards me. I've come to realize that I'm a magnet for drama, especially when it comes to mine and Sabe's family. I can't even sneeze without somehow having drama smack me in the head because of it. So I've learned it's better to just not act. But that even backfires on me. People are expecting me to act so when I react, they don't see that the reason I've just reacted that was is because of THEM. It's really quite frustrating to be honest and it's caused me to cut a lot of caustic relationships out of my life. I can't win for losing and I was sick and tired of fighting a losing battle.

It's really funny for me to sit here and write how much more confident I am only to sit here and realize that while I'm typing it, I'm still very very vulnerable. I'm still desperate for attention. I'm desperate for friendship. I'm desperate to be accepted and not be judged. It's gotten to the point where I don't even bother trying to make friends because the rejection hurts more now than it did even in HS. I'm constantly wondering how certain family member's of Sabe's really feel about me. I'm constantly worried they're spreading nasty rumors about me between each other (and I've got a right to feel that way too as it's happened before and somehow nobody even cared to admit that the person starting the rumor was in the wrong. I was the drama queen for getting upset).

I dunno. I just feel like I'm done. I'm done worrying about other people's feelings. I'm done trying to feel accepted. Here I am admitting that I will probably never be accepted anywhere. For some reason people just don't like me. I have that gene where I tend to say stuff and it comes out completely wrong and by the time I realize what I've said people are super offended and won't listen to me when I try to explain myself.

I've come to the conclusion that I need to just be content with how it is now. I've got wonderful company in my crazy boys. They def. keep me busy during the day and give me plenty of affection. At least I can hope for them to have the gene Sabe has towards his mother; unwavering loyalty, no matter what the situation is, even if she's wrong.

Anyways, I'm starting to get tired. I shouldn't publish this, but I'm going to. I'm going to and then tomorrow morning I'm going to read it back to myself and come to more realizations about my life and what direction I need to go in. We've got big big changes coming up. A double whammy that will rock my world. I need to be prepared in any way possible.

Ugh I need to blog.

I knew this was going to happen. Why did I think I could somehow skip around it and be happy with no problems? Why was I so determined despite misgivings? Maybe because I wanted to feel like I had a normal life again? I WANTED to be happy? I wanted to move on and forget the whole dang thing had even happened!

It feels like Kentucky. Not as bad by any means. I just feel like I've been here before. I feel like a rerun. I'm beginning to feel stuck with no friends, nowhere to go and a husband who is rarely home only now I've got no sister to talk to because I can't forgive her at the moment, I've got misgivings about certain people's whereabouts, and I've got nowhere to walk to. We've got a huge backyard and it's getting cooler but we can't walk to the park. The park near here goes towards the edge of the scary part of town, the part I don't like to go to alone with a car, let a lone walk there!

I just feel like an idiot for getting pregnant again. I should have known our marriage wasn't ready for it. That I personally wasn't ready for it. That our family wasn't ready for the added stress. I'm a lot more emotional this time around.. I've got a lot to be angry about. Sabe and I talked about me going to a counselor but who the heck am I kidding. I don't know anybody to watch the kids and Sabe's job makes him an unreliable baby sitter. I've not gone to the dr for my pregnancy yet because I don't know anybody.

What's worse is that I really don't have a desire to know anybody. I don't have a desire to get close to anybody or depend on anybody. I don't want to have my heart ripped out again, I had enough of that in the last two years to tide me over for the rest of my life.

Sabe and I don't go anywhere, or do anything. I feel like we're suffocating. I feel like we're paddling in circles because we're going in opposite directions. This wasn't how I had planned my life going. Though I feel like if we just hang in there for like 3-4 more years we'll be in a lot better place. We'll have a big chunk of our car debt paid off and have a lot more breathing room, a lot more play money to go and do things like take the kids to the movies, hit up the festivals when they around, go out to eat every once in awhile and not worry about spending all our food money in the process.

I feel like a broken record right now. I'm irritated. Mostly at myself for being too optimistic. I knew this was going to happen. I knew the novelty of a new place all alone would wear off and I'd feel alone.

All alone.

I need to make friends for my kids, so they have more kid interaction. I need to start taking them to the parks on post more often so they get away from the house. I need to DO more stuff. I just feel so stuck, so stretched. It's hard to have the motivation to do anything when you've got things weighing both your brain and body down.

The only thing I can hope for is that when this baby comes out, they're super laid back and don't cry very much. I honestly don't know how well I would handle things if I had another Jamesen on my hands. I'd probably act the same way I did last time (which, for the record... wasn't that great).

At least my boys have each other. If I turn into crazy psycho mom who can barely handle anything unless it's been scheduled down to the minute, at least my boys have each other to keep themselves company. That makes me really sad writing that. I hope it doesn't come down to that again. If it does, I can hope they won't remember this time in their lives when their mom was a crappy mom.

Do you remember...

That one time... when we were in Kentucky... that Marcus got his tongue infection? That coupled with a few other back to back (to back) sicknesses caused him to pretty much refuse to eat and barely drink for an entire month? And that once we got him eating again he didn't eat as well as he use to and was picky?

Well that time is well over folks! We had stir fry last night. Not only did he eat all his baby corn and chicken, he even tried the broccoli and water chestnuts and ate most of the carrots as well! I was shocked when he popped that broccoli in his face, cautiously chewed, gave a little grin, chewed more vigorously and then swallowed with a smile on his face. What an amazing site to see my picky little man eat!

Jamesen, on the other hand, is getting really picky and refuses to eat chicken unless it's in nugget or popcorn form. If I cook something he likes he'll eat the entire thing but if it's something he's not had very often or recently, he'll refuse it all together. Even if he does get something in his mouth (like yesterday when he just had to copy Marcus snarfing down the baby corn) he'll hold it in his mouth without chewed and eventually gag himself on it if I don't make him spit it out after it's obvious he's not going to eat it. He's slowing in growing so I don't really mind. He eats well at breakfast and lunch.

I decorated my house for Halloween today. That was really exciting! I've not been able to decorate for a holiday in awhile because I've been living in houses that weren't mine. I found all my Halloween/Fall stuff and the boys helped me decorate. I can't wait till like ten years down the road when my decorations will have quadrupled :)

Been Awhile

It's so hard to write blogs when there's nothing going on. I feel like my blogs are always the same. I've got a friend who blogs all the time. She and her family are always on the go, always doing things and it kinda makes me jealous. We don't really ever do things. Sabe's schedule really hinders us and I don't know anybody here. There's nothing fun to do either.

We do have a really great ward though so I can't complain. Jamesen has taken to nursery so easily. He complains a tiny bit towards the end when he's so done with being without mom, but he lasts a good hour to hour and a half before he complains. That's amazing compared to the screaming the minute I leave he did in the two prior wards.

Marcus is starting to warm up to primary as well, though he tries to go in with Jamesen every time we pass the door to the nursery. It's a little sad, but he's doing ok.

We've been getting a little bit of cooler weather. We even had to put jackets on the boys for a day or two there! That was so nice! It's been pretty cool the last few days except for the humidity. The humidity really does add on like 10 degrees.

Let me tell you, I miss sleep. Marcus has started waking up before 7 even hits and then he wakes Jamesen up and they both come in bed with me and it's impossible to get a few extra winks in with two little boys in my bed. I miss those days that Marcus would play quietly in his room until I came and got him. I sure do love them though. They're such sweethearts.

We called Sabe yesterday to leave him a voicemail. He's been gone for the last week so I wanted him to have a voicemail of the boys talking to him to listen to. Marcus was distracted so he really didn't say anything, but I told Jamesen to say hi daddy and he so cutely said "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" and then later he said daddy pretty perfectly. I've not been able to talk to Sabe the entire time he's been gone so I don't know how he liked it, but I'm sure he did.

For anyone wondering about my pregnancy, I hit 11 weeks this week. I can't believe how fast it's going. I'm glad it's going fast though because this pregnancy has really been taking it's toll on me. I've never been so exhausted or so drained in my entire life. My meds to calm my stomach down have some negative side effects that I'm trying to deal with, but they're not fun. I want to ditch the meds, but I won't feel better if I do. I feel better with them, but not by much. It's a different not feeling good.

I bought the boys their costumes today. I'm really excited about them. I had planned on Marcus being Frankenstein and Jamesen being Dracula, but when I went to buy the costumes, the sizes were switched. I'm hoping that the Frankenstein, that says it's 2T-4T will fit Marcus and the Dracula that says 3T-4T will fit Jamesen because I really doubt Jamesen will wear Frankenstein's head. He doesn't like hats. We'll have to see when they come.

Sabe's not going to be here for Halloween so I'm really hoping my stake has a trunk or treat. If not, we'll be going on base and going through housing like we did last year. We'll just get an early start so that I can get the boys back home before dark. I don't want to be walking around alone with two little boys in the dark!

Speaking of the dark, I've got a funny story. I'm scared of the dark. No joke. I'm scared of what could be hiding in the dark. Usually I'm ok. It's gotten better as I get older, but I'm still scared of something happening at night one of the nights Sabe is gone. Anyways, last night I was chatting on the computer to my best friend and I started to hear noises. I heard a weird scratching sound which I still can't really explain, but then I heard knocking. It sounded like it was on the side of my house which meant someone was in my back yard which meant they had to have climbed over one of my fences to do it. I was seriously freaked. It was a one-two-three.... one-two-three.... one-two-three. At one point it was almost continuous for about 30 seconds. I was so totally freaked out I was almost in tears. There was no way I could have gotten a hold of Sabin at this point as he's not allowed to have his phone with him and I didn't want to move for fear whoever was knocking would see me and do more than just knock.

After about 20 minutes after the last knock I finally got up the courage to go check on the boys and while I was up I heard the knock again. Hearing it from a different part of the house made it click though. It was canon fire! I live right by a tank range and they're always firing. It always sounds weird and creeps me out too. You'd think I'd be use to it by now, but no.

A few weeks ago I thought there was someone walking around on my roof but it turned out to just be canon fire. I tell yah, that range is going to scare me to death one of these nights!

Huge strides

Marcus is amazing me. I know I've been constantly talking about this but Marcus is making huge huge strides in talking. Today there was a loud crash in my bedroom and I called to him asking if he was ok and he said "Yeah. I'm fine." He's never responded to that question. The first time he responds, he responds correctly. That's on top of a few other sentences he's said today that are all brand new (and of course now that I'm sitting here I can't remember any of them). We've not gone to speech therapy yet (I'm waiting on other people to do their jobs.. really frustrating) but now I'm not sure if he'll actually need it. Obviously we'll see where he stands when he actually gets evaluated and all that, but I'm hopeful he'll pull through this all on his own.

Jamesen's doing really well getting rid of his binkie. He doesn't really complain when I take the ones he's stashed away from him. He still needs them when he sleeps (I'll work on that in a bit), but he's doing great during the day. We purposely didn't bring a binkie with us to church on Sunday and while it probably would have helped towards the end... it wasn't until the last like 20 minutes he was crying and once I picked him up he was fine.

The pregnancy is going great too. I've gotten on zofran and it's helped a ton. I'm finally feeling ok and I'm not having break downs thinking of being sick for 40 weeks straight (yes it was THAT brutal!) We had an ultrasound and heard/saw the heartbeat. We're pretty excited :)

On other news, I've been having a lot of drama with people lately. I'm really annoyed with all of this. It's all been coming from family and people who should be supporting me, not annoying me. I'm really frustrated with all of this. I've gotten very uneasy when it comes to my relationships with a few people. I'm afraid their listening to lies from others and forming their opinions from that or a few other things that would paint me in a bad light. I'm honestly so annoyed and I've decided to just to let everybody go. I've deleted a lot of people off my facebook because that seems to be the area that everyone attacks me through. So honestly, if you've noticed you're not on my friendslist, there's your reason. I'm soooo done with drama. I'll probably regret writing this but oh well. I need an outlet!

Ahhh that was nice :)

I've been stressing a little bit about how today was going to go. Sundays are always hard. They go a lot smoother when Sabe's here since there's one parent to each kid. Well Sabe is in the field so he wasn't able to go with me today. I've been really sick too the last little bit as well so I was fully planning on just not going. Then a friend suggested that I eat some crackers first thing in the morning, before even getting out of bed. I've been doing it and all the sudden my morning sickness is a lot less intense and crippling. While I still don't feel well at least half the day, I'm at least able to do more than just lay in my bed and wish I would just puke already because it might make me feel better.

Anyway, back to today... We get to church before sacrament meeting (which in itself is a miracle and just tells me just how much Sabe take forever to get ready!) and they did so great! They really love the puzzles I bring. I leave them in my church bag so they only play with them at church and they're almost brand new toys to them again after the week is over.

I had one of the other ladies with a nursery goer take Jamesen to nursery because I knew if I took Marcus near the nursery room, he'd never stay in his own class. That sort of backfired at first because Jamesen was like "NOOOOOOOOO DON'T TAKE ME FROM MY MOTHER!!!!" at the top of his lungs. I pretty much ran Marcus to his class and thankfully his teacher was already there and took him with her to get copies made while I ran into nursery and calmed Jamesen down. He was pretty fast to calm down though. He loves nursery. I was able to slip out just in time to see Marcus wrestling his teacher who was trying to get him to go into the classroom and sit with her. I stayed in there with him for a little bit, but I started not feeling well and he was being a pain in the butt so I left. He cried "no mommy come back!" which near about broke my heart. Luckily he only cried it for like 3 minutes and then was done.

I sat for the rest of the hour in the primary room getting to know the primary presidency better. They threatened to put me over singing time and I flat out told them not to depend on me for the next few months because of how sick I've been lately. They're some pretty funny ladies and I actually wouldn't mind being in the primary.

Once the class was over and it was time for primary, I went and hid so Marcus wouldn't see me. I came back a few times to check on Marcus and he was doing great! At one point, he was called up to do something and wouldn't sit back down. They let him draw with chalk on the board for a bit and he wrote his name perfectly in front of everyone, lol! I had a pretty proud mommy moment there!

Jamesen did really good in nursery too. I'm so proud of him, and so relieved too! It's nice to not have to stay with him every second of every day without him screaming bloody murder.

oh and by the way... does anybody even read my blog anymore? Seems like I'm talking to myself, lol

One of those moments

Today while I was laying on the floor of the toy room trying not to be sick, Marcus was drawing me pictures. We've been watching Blue's Clues a lot lately and there's one point where Doodle (a drawing board) draws a letter and then draws a picture around it. Marcus did the 4 that were in the video but then started making up his own and then would try to spell the word. He failed at spelling any of the words correctly, but I was so amazed at how close he actually got it for a kid who doesn't know how to read or write. Maybe my working on it with him is actually sinking in a bit! It hasn't seemed like it up until this point. I've been so sick lately that I've taken a break in his homeschooling and maybe that's what he needed, just a tiny break.

He's talking mostly in sentences now as well, which I'm really excited about! They're mostly small (2-4 words) but that's better than nothing! He's enunciating a lot better now and actually says his name right! He use to say Martus but for the last few days has said Marcus. He's such a sweet boy :) He's a little stinker too! I just confirmed that he can indeed unlock the fridge. I've suspected it for a few weeks now, but could never catch him in the act and haven't been sure if I hadn't forgotten to lock it or not. He's really helpful with Jamesen though so I can't complain. He's really is such a great kid and I'm so blessed to have him!

Jamesen is growing like a weed. That kid is huge! He fits perfectly in his 3T clothes, right along with Marcus who has been wearing half 3T half 4T. Jamesen has become quite the monkey. Our pantry is taller than our fridge and has 4 doors, two on top and two on bottom. Jamesen has taken to opening on the doors and then scaling the shelves to get to the top where I keep all the good stuff. I've not seen him do it (he's fast!) but Sabe has.

He's talking so well too. He's saying small sentences, though not nearly like Marcus is. He'll repeat some words after we say them too. I think his constant need for the binkie is hindering his speech a tad. I've been working on breaking him of it, but sometimes... like when you're really sick to your stomach and have been alllll day, you just want a happy kid so you give in. He's not really potty training either, but he's started telling me right after he goes, so that's a good sign he'll be ready soon. I hope to have him mostly trained by the time this baby comes along.

Despite being pretty sick lately, this pregnancy is going well. I'm only 6 weeks so the fact that I'm still pregnant is a great thing! only 6 more weeks until it's a lot less likely that I'll have a miscarriage! Always a great milestone to hit. I'm just trying to make it through each day since morning sickness has really hit me hard this time around. If I keep my stomach full, I can usually at least function through the day, but I have to be really careful because if I over fill my stomach, I get pretty sick too. The boys have been great for the most part though. They've been really good for me when I'm home a lone lately which I'm so thankful for.

We've not really been doing much lately. Just hanging out and waiting for the heat and humidity of summer to fade. The boys are not fans of humidity at all and they prefer to stay inside rather than play outside until the sun starts to set. It should be getting cooler here in a few weeks though, so hopefully we'll be playing outside a lot more soon. Can't wait for the ants to leave! They're pretty ruthless in our backyard. I have to keep a very close eye on the boys so they don't stop in a mound.

Anyways, that's it for now. :)