Ugh I need to blog.

I knew this was going to happen. Why did I think I could somehow skip around it and be happy with no problems? Why was I so determined despite misgivings? Maybe because I wanted to feel like I had a normal life again? I WANTED to be happy? I wanted to move on and forget the whole dang thing had even happened!

It feels like Kentucky. Not as bad by any means. I just feel like I've been here before. I feel like a rerun. I'm beginning to feel stuck with no friends, nowhere to go and a husband who is rarely home only now I've got no sister to talk to because I can't forgive her at the moment, I've got misgivings about certain people's whereabouts, and I've got nowhere to walk to. We've got a huge backyard and it's getting cooler but we can't walk to the park. The park near here goes towards the edge of the scary part of town, the part I don't like to go to alone with a car, let a lone walk there!

I just feel like an idiot for getting pregnant again. I should have known our marriage wasn't ready for it. That I personally wasn't ready for it. That our family wasn't ready for the added stress. I'm a lot more emotional this time around.. I've got a lot to be angry about. Sabe and I talked about me going to a counselor but who the heck am I kidding. I don't know anybody to watch the kids and Sabe's job makes him an unreliable baby sitter. I've not gone to the dr for my pregnancy yet because I don't know anybody.

What's worse is that I really don't have a desire to know anybody. I don't have a desire to get close to anybody or depend on anybody. I don't want to have my heart ripped out again, I had enough of that in the last two years to tide me over for the rest of my life.

Sabe and I don't go anywhere, or do anything. I feel like we're suffocating. I feel like we're paddling in circles because we're going in opposite directions. This wasn't how I had planned my life going. Though I feel like if we just hang in there for like 3-4 more years we'll be in a lot better place. We'll have a big chunk of our car debt paid off and have a lot more breathing room, a lot more play money to go and do things like take the kids to the movies, hit up the festivals when they around, go out to eat every once in awhile and not worry about spending all our food money in the process.

I feel like a broken record right now. I'm irritated. Mostly at myself for being too optimistic. I knew this was going to happen. I knew the novelty of a new place all alone would wear off and I'd feel alone.

All alone.

I need to make friends for my kids, so they have more kid interaction. I need to start taking them to the parks on post more often so they get away from the house. I need to DO more stuff. I just feel so stuck, so stretched. It's hard to have the motivation to do anything when you've got things weighing both your brain and body down.

The only thing I can hope for is that when this baby comes out, they're super laid back and don't cry very much. I honestly don't know how well I would handle things if I had another Jamesen on my hands. I'd probably act the same way I did last time (which, for the record... wasn't that great).

At least my boys have each other. If I turn into crazy psycho mom who can barely handle anything unless it's been scheduled down to the minute, at least my boys have each other to keep themselves company. That makes me really sad writing that. I hope it doesn't come down to that again. If it does, I can hope they won't remember this time in their lives when their mom was a crappy mom.