We have an idea...

where we MIGHT be going. Most guys in Sabe's job are heading over to Washington (Ft. Lewis). I'm actually pretty excited about it and hope it happens. We were wanting a few bases and that was one of the top 3! We've got both family and friends that live close enough to where we would be for frequent visits, and that makes my day! How awesome would that be to move to a place where nobody knows you, but hey go drive for a only a little bit and you'll find someone you love hanging out with!

I just hope we have a big yard, cuz we're thinking about getting a dog for the boys. They need a dog really bad. Marcus loves dogs so much, but all the ones we've been around are just too touchy and it worries me really bad when he gets around them, for fear of him getting bitten. We'll probably get a black lab or something really docile so they can climb all over him and he won't care. That would be so cute!

Sabe's graduation is the first couple days in June and man am I excited to get into my own house. Mostly for the boys... they've got so many toys packed up in the storage unit it's insane! Like the train table? Oh yeah!! We're going to pull it out and glue all the stuff down on the table so they don't lose any pieces and we can keep it in an intricate set up without it getting messed up. I got kind of sick of setting the entire thing up only to have it smashed in a few seconds by Jamesen and accidentally knocked over by Marcus elbows when we had it set up in Kentucky. They loved it so much though! It was the most played with toy in our house and so worth the money!

I'm hoping we have enough room that I can have a craft room. We probably won't though, because I've also been hoping to have enough room for a toy room and we probably won't have enough room for both, though that would be awesome of we did! Kids come first. I guess my craft room will just have to wait a few years (more like decades...) before it becomes a reality.

I've got so many plans that I'm just itching to plan! I can't wait until we find out where we're going for sure! That'll be a good day!

Holy Spamoly

Does anybody else have a tendency to look at their younger child(ren) and think of them as being "younger" than the oldest child was at that age? I always look at Jamesen and think of what a baby he is compared to Marcus. I forget what Marcus was like at this age, but when I think back to it, I always think of him seeming older than Jamesen does to me now. But then I start to think of things like, Marcus was 22 months when I had Jamesen and Jamesen is now 21 months. If I had followed that trend, not only would I be pregnant right now, but I'd be in my last month! I can't imagine having a baby right now, mostly because I don't see Jamesen as being where Marcus was. Maybe it's because Marcus has always been so independent, so he seemed older, while Jamesen just happens to be a stressed out momma's boy who never leaves my side without a fight about it.

That train of thought up there always reminds me just how close Jamesen is to being two and while he may be more dependent on me than Marcus was at this age, he's talking way more than Marcus was at this age. Case in point, this morning I was holding something Jamesen wanted so he turned to me and said, "Oooh, mine?" and "thank you" when I handed it to him. Obviously not that clear, but pretty dang good I'd say! He amazes me sometimes!

And of course, when thinking about how close Jamesen is to 2 makes me think how close Marcus is getting to 4 since he's only 2 months further behind in his birthday than Jamesen. Is Marcus REALLY coming up on 4 already? Going to school NEXT YEAR?! How did that happen? I joked when Jamesen was born that I was in denial that I was even pregnant because I could have sworn that Marcus was still a baby. I think I still feel that way a little bit. Not only do I have a second kid, but my first is almost school aged!

Almost school aged and still waking up in the middle of the night too, bah! He keeps waking up and trying to come into bed with me, which is a no go. I had him in bed with me for the first year and that's all I can handle thanks. I don't mind a quick snuggle in the morning, but my definition of morning is more like 7 am than 2 am! Little turd. Gotta love him though. I need to remind myself every morning that soon they'll be teenagers and I'll have to wake them up and wonder how they got so old so fast and miss these days of them being little. I swear that's the only thing that gets me through my day, lol!

Maybe we'll have another one soon. My baby fever sure is spiking these days!

Words, words and more words

I'm utterly amazed at Jamesen's vocabulary now days. He's way far ahead of Marcus at this age who didn't ever say anything. He'd say a few words here and there, but never anything consistent and I could never get him to say anything on command.

Jamesen is saying things like "airplane" and "ready, steady, go!" Mostly things that we say or see every day, but he's talking and it's so cute! He's growing up so dang fast right before my eyes. We've only got 3 months until his second birthday and I'm in shock! When did that happen?! I'm trying to teach him to ride his bike, but he's having issues... He can't figure out the steering thing. He can peddle just fine, but apparently steering is essential in riding it, haha.

Speaking of speech, Marcus is doing so well. He can say so many words and is even starting to put sentences together! He's catching up to his peers really fast, which is so good to hear. He's doing really well with the potty still too. I was worried he might regress a bit when we moved here, but he's not had an accident the entire time. In fact, it feels like he's over doing it a bit with asking to go to the potty. If we're out and about, he'll ask to go potty at every place we go to. He's not night trained, but he's doing so well during the day!

The boys have really taken to my parents. I've left them a few times to do some stuff with my photography and they've done really well, which makes me so glad. I've been really worried that Jamesen would cry his little heart out the entire time and start hyperventilating like he normally does when he's really upset. Makes me so glad to know that he's not such a momma's boy that he can't warm up to other people. I've been a tad worried about it actually, lol.

Anyways, nothing's really going on. We're just hanging out and waiting to find out where we're going next. Looking like Washington so far, but we'll see in a few weeks!

Untitled

I normally don't post about stuff like this on my blog, but I don't feel like I have anywhere else to go and I need to write it down.

I'm feeling very defeated. I've been told quite a few times in the last year what a terrible mother I am. How the way I'm parenting is leading my kids to be terrible kids and how I'm a failure because of how horrible my kids are.

My kids are horrible when Sabe isn't around. It's a fact. They both act out and flip out so much more if Sabe's not around. Case in point, today at church the entire Sacrament Meeting was throwing tissy fits, trying to escape and making huge messes. It was embarrassing really because my kids were literally the loudest most rambunctious in the entire congregation.

I look at today and think to myself "No wonder people tell me I'm a terrible mother." I feel defeated. I feel lost. I love my kids, but they sure can make a ruckus when they want to. I feel like I'm trying so hard. I'm desperately trying to keep myself together as I go through a really rough patch in my life and it just seems like everybody is judging me on the surface and not thinking about what's going on.

I've dealt with some huge bouts of depression in the last two years, post partum being one of them. PPD caused me to not want to have anything to do with Jamesen because all he did was scream all day, no matter how hard I tried to get him to calm down. Some days those feelings still linger and I feel them for Marcus too and it makes me feel terrible, especially since I've been told so many times how terrible of a mother I am. I already feel like a bad mom because some days I don't want to have anything to do with my kids and it's made so much worse by people's judgements. It's really hard to be happy when I'm being forced into living in someone else's house. I want to live in my own house. I hate living off other people and constantly wondering if they wake up every morning going "great, gotta deal with Adi's kids again..." Jamesen barely sleeps at night and it's so hard to want to do anything at all when you're running really low on sleep, let alone take care of two kids who seems to be hell bent on breaking anything they can get their hands on.

They don't act like this when Sabe's around. They're much better when they've got their daddy to play with. I feel terrible saying it, but it makes me resent Sabe a little bit for leaving me here. I know WHY he's doing it. We can't survive if there's no work and he's gone because he has to for his job (and even if he wanted to stay with us, he's got orders and you can't say no the good 'ol Army). That doesn't make it any easier to be a single mom, feeling like I'm living in a place where I'm not wanted and just waiting for the next person to go off on me about how terrible of a mother I am.

I've cut myself off from so many people around me because I just can't handle negative influences in my life at this point and it just feels like they keep coming out of nowhere. I feel so alone. I'm trying so hard and it feels like I'm getting nowhere. I try to teach my kids manners and it doesn't really do anything. Marcus says please and thank you, but still throws a fit if things don't go his way, no matter what I do. I've tried all types of discipline when he throws a fit and nothing changes anything, so I've started trying to just not give him any attention at all while he's throwing a fit. It's made the fits shorter, but hasn't stopped them from happening. He still flips out the second he realizes it's not going like he wants.

Jamesen is all over the place. Wayyy more than Marcus ever was. He gets into anything and everything and it's really hard to be so exhausted I can barely see and have to peel myself up off the couch to go get him from what he's doing.

Yesterday night I had a good night's sleep and they did a lot better, because we didn't stop moving. We were going going going all day long and they were so well behaved. I can't do that every day if I don't get sleep, but Jamesen doesn't look like he's going to be sleeping very consistent any time soon.

I'm rambling now, but I feel so defeated. I don't know what more I can do when I feel depression creeping up on me again, when I'm barely getting any sleep and when my boys are so dang rambunctious. I'm doing the best I can but it's not good enough for anybody and it's really hard to keep going when I'm getting stabbed in the heart every time I turn around.

It's Official

We're active duty! He's on OK as we speak, inprocessing and all that jazz. We won't know where we're going for another like month and a half, but that's ok. The boys and I are loving Vegas! Hopefully time flies though, because Marcus keeps asking for daddy all the time and doesn't understand that he's not coming home. He keeps running to the door and saying "Daddy home!" Breaks my heart a little every time. That comment is slowing down though and has been replaced with "Talk daddy?" which frustrates him because he doesn't realize that we can't talk to daddy whenever we want, he's really busy with everything he's doing so we have to wait til he calls us.

What the heck am I gonna do when Sabe's deployed?! That's the question I've been asking myself lately. I have to keep reminding myself that many people before me and many more after me will have to go through a deployment. Actually I try not to think about it really. I'll jump that hurtle when I get to it.

Marcus has taken to making color patterns out of the jenga blocks. He went through a "Math Adventure to the Moon" kick. That video has an emphasis on patterns so he likes to make patterns now. It's really cool actually! He doesn't always get it perfect, but you can tell what he's doing. It's so cute.

Jamesen is saying new words almost every day which I'm stoked about. He's a bit behind the curve, but way ahead of Marcus at this age! I'm glad to see him progressing. He's a smart little dude and is really cunning when it comes to getting out of trouble. He's got me wrapped around his little pinky finger, that's for sure!

Music

Music is a big outlet for me. I obsess over songs that make me feel certain feelings, usually the ones I've been repressing. Music helps me heal and is a great outlet for me. If I find a song that fits how I'm feeling, I put it on repeat for a few days and just listen to it. I always feel better afterwards. Sometimes it's the lyrics, the subject, the singers voice, the general tone or a combination of all of the above that do it for me. Sometimes it's obvious to those around me to know why the song means something to me, but sometimes it's not so obvious.

My brother pointed me to a song that had such an effect on me. I've heard the original of this song a million times and it never made me feel the way this cover does. I'll share the song, because it's really powerful to me, but I won't go into detail about the reasons. I'm sure a few of you will be able to guess parts of it.

Video

I've had a lot of emotions coursing through me lately. I feel really bipolar as of late and let me tell you, it's not always that fun. I sometimes catching myself longing for the days of high school when my only worry was what I was going to wear that day or what store I should go to to spend my entire paycheck on new clothes. How adult life has been so different!

I'm sorry if this post seems vague, I just felt the need to share this song that so amazing and powerful to me. it's like I'm sharing a piece of my soul.

The Swingset

My parents decided that their backyard needed to be a bit more grandkid friendly. So what did they do? They went and bought a playground for it!


What you see there, is the finished product. I'm glad to say that it is finished. My poor almost albino skin needs a break from the sun for a few days!

The journey to getting it finished has been full of snags and things, so it's taken about 4 days to get it done. We laid all the boards and things out, getting ready to start only to find that we were missing a few tools to get the job done. After getting lunch and making a trip to the store, we started working on it, though we didn't get very far that day.



We did spend quite a few hours in the sun though and I had neglected to put sunscreen on. Luckily for me, we are in Vegas, not Utah, so I only got slightly pink. The next day, I decided to take some bigger precautions against the sun and wore my hoodie for most of the morning until it got too hot to wear and then added SPF 50 sunscreen after that.



Still got burned! You see, after long hours in the sun, even SPF 50 can't protect my skin. The next day, I took even bigger precautions and wore my jacket the entire day, with my hood up. My face was covered in sunscreen and I tried to hide it as much possible.


We finally got it mostly finished... and the boys love it! They ate their lunch without a fuss at all and were so excited to sit at the picnic table.


Today, after getting a few pieces (that the boys misplaced) from the store, we have finally finished it. Now all it needs is the weather protectant to be painted on to it (twice). We're about half way through the first coat.



It's a huge success! Please forgive the pics as my laptop is still lost and all the pics are from my parent's camera.