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I normally don't post about stuff like this on my blog, but I don't feel like I have anywhere else to go and I need to write it down.

I'm feeling very defeated. I've been told quite a few times in the last year what a terrible mother I am. How the way I'm parenting is leading my kids to be terrible kids and how I'm a failure because of how horrible my kids are.

My kids are horrible when Sabe isn't around. It's a fact. They both act out and flip out so much more if Sabe's not around. Case in point, today at church the entire Sacrament Meeting was throwing tissy fits, trying to escape and making huge messes. It was embarrassing really because my kids were literally the loudest most rambunctious in the entire congregation.

I look at today and think to myself "No wonder people tell me I'm a terrible mother." I feel defeated. I feel lost. I love my kids, but they sure can make a ruckus when they want to. I feel like I'm trying so hard. I'm desperately trying to keep myself together as I go through a really rough patch in my life and it just seems like everybody is judging me on the surface and not thinking about what's going on.

I've dealt with some huge bouts of depression in the last two years, post partum being one of them. PPD caused me to not want to have anything to do with Jamesen because all he did was scream all day, no matter how hard I tried to get him to calm down. Some days those feelings still linger and I feel them for Marcus too and it makes me feel terrible, especially since I've been told so many times how terrible of a mother I am. I already feel like a bad mom because some days I don't want to have anything to do with my kids and it's made so much worse by people's judgements. It's really hard to be happy when I'm being forced into living in someone else's house. I want to live in my own house. I hate living off other people and constantly wondering if they wake up every morning going "great, gotta deal with Adi's kids again..." Jamesen barely sleeps at night and it's so hard to want to do anything at all when you're running really low on sleep, let alone take care of two kids who seems to be hell bent on breaking anything they can get their hands on.

They don't act like this when Sabe's around. They're much better when they've got their daddy to play with. I feel terrible saying it, but it makes me resent Sabe a little bit for leaving me here. I know WHY he's doing it. We can't survive if there's no work and he's gone because he has to for his job (and even if he wanted to stay with us, he's got orders and you can't say no the good 'ol Army). That doesn't make it any easier to be a single mom, feeling like I'm living in a place where I'm not wanted and just waiting for the next person to go off on me about how terrible of a mother I am.

I've cut myself off from so many people around me because I just can't handle negative influences in my life at this point and it just feels like they keep coming out of nowhere. I feel so alone. I'm trying so hard and it feels like I'm getting nowhere. I try to teach my kids manners and it doesn't really do anything. Marcus says please and thank you, but still throws a fit if things don't go his way, no matter what I do. I've tried all types of discipline when he throws a fit and nothing changes anything, so I've started trying to just not give him any attention at all while he's throwing a fit. It's made the fits shorter, but hasn't stopped them from happening. He still flips out the second he realizes it's not going like he wants.

Jamesen is all over the place. Wayyy more than Marcus ever was. He gets into anything and everything and it's really hard to be so exhausted I can barely see and have to peel myself up off the couch to go get him from what he's doing.

Yesterday night I had a good night's sleep and they did a lot better, because we didn't stop moving. We were going going going all day long and they were so well behaved. I can't do that every day if I don't get sleep, but Jamesen doesn't look like he's going to be sleeping very consistent any time soon.

I'm rambling now, but I feel so defeated. I don't know what more I can do when I feel depression creeping up on me again, when I'm barely getting any sleep and when my boys are so dang rambunctious. I'm doing the best I can but it's not good enough for anybody and it's really hard to keep going when I'm getting stabbed in the heart every time I turn around.

It's Official

We're active duty! He's on OK as we speak, inprocessing and all that jazz. We won't know where we're going for another like month and a half, but that's ok. The boys and I are loving Vegas! Hopefully time flies though, because Marcus keeps asking for daddy all the time and doesn't understand that he's not coming home. He keeps running to the door and saying "Daddy home!" Breaks my heart a little every time. That comment is slowing down though and has been replaced with "Talk daddy?" which frustrates him because he doesn't realize that we can't talk to daddy whenever we want, he's really busy with everything he's doing so we have to wait til he calls us.

What the heck am I gonna do when Sabe's deployed?! That's the question I've been asking myself lately. I have to keep reminding myself that many people before me and many more after me will have to go through a deployment. Actually I try not to think about it really. I'll jump that hurtle when I get to it.

Marcus has taken to making color patterns out of the jenga blocks. He went through a "Math Adventure to the Moon" kick. That video has an emphasis on patterns so he likes to make patterns now. It's really cool actually! He doesn't always get it perfect, but you can tell what he's doing. It's so cute.

Jamesen is saying new words almost every day which I'm stoked about. He's a bit behind the curve, but way ahead of Marcus at this age! I'm glad to see him progressing. He's a smart little dude and is really cunning when it comes to getting out of trouble. He's got me wrapped around his little pinky finger, that's for sure!

Music

Music is a big outlet for me. I obsess over songs that make me feel certain feelings, usually the ones I've been repressing. Music helps me heal and is a great outlet for me. If I find a song that fits how I'm feeling, I put it on repeat for a few days and just listen to it. I always feel better afterwards. Sometimes it's the lyrics, the subject, the singers voice, the general tone or a combination of all of the above that do it for me. Sometimes it's obvious to those around me to know why the song means something to me, but sometimes it's not so obvious.

My brother pointed me to a song that had such an effect on me. I've heard the original of this song a million times and it never made me feel the way this cover does. I'll share the song, because it's really powerful to me, but I won't go into detail about the reasons. I'm sure a few of you will be able to guess parts of it.

Video

I've had a lot of emotions coursing through me lately. I feel really bipolar as of late and let me tell you, it's not always that fun. I sometimes catching myself longing for the days of high school when my only worry was what I was going to wear that day or what store I should go to to spend my entire paycheck on new clothes. How adult life has been so different!

I'm sorry if this post seems vague, I just felt the need to share this song that so amazing and powerful to me. it's like I'm sharing a piece of my soul.

The Swingset

My parents decided that their backyard needed to be a bit more grandkid friendly. So what did they do? They went and bought a playground for it!


What you see there, is the finished product. I'm glad to say that it is finished. My poor almost albino skin needs a break from the sun for a few days!

The journey to getting it finished has been full of snags and things, so it's taken about 4 days to get it done. We laid all the boards and things out, getting ready to start only to find that we were missing a few tools to get the job done. After getting lunch and making a trip to the store, we started working on it, though we didn't get very far that day.



We did spend quite a few hours in the sun though and I had neglected to put sunscreen on. Luckily for me, we are in Vegas, not Utah, so I only got slightly pink. The next day, I decided to take some bigger precautions against the sun and wore my hoodie for most of the morning until it got too hot to wear and then added SPF 50 sunscreen after that.



Still got burned! You see, after long hours in the sun, even SPF 50 can't protect my skin. The next day, I took even bigger precautions and wore my jacket the entire day, with my hood up. My face was covered in sunscreen and I tried to hide it as much possible.


We finally got it mostly finished... and the boys love it! They ate their lunch without a fuss at all and were so excited to sit at the picnic table.


Today, after getting a few pieces (that the boys misplaced) from the store, we have finally finished it. Now all it needs is the weather protectant to be painted on to it (twice). We're about half way through the first coat.



It's a huge success! Please forgive the pics as my laptop is still lost and all the pics are from my parent's camera.

Dahbye and Dahpop

I think my mom and dad (dahbye and dahpop, sometimes dahpoff) are Marcus' new favorite people. When we arrived in Vegas, it was really late and my dad had already gone to bed, so while he was able to see dahbye, he couldn't see dahpop, not for the lack of asking though. The next morning, my dad was at work so the poor kid didn't get to see him then either. When my dad finally got home, Marcus was so cute and ran to him and gave him a huge hug.

Now days, everything is about dahbye and dahpop. Marcus is always asking for my dad and always wants my mom to hold him. It's so dang cute!! Yesterday we went to Coldstone while my mom was at work, so we brought her some. She went on break just as we walked in and Marcus went running for her and gave her a huge hug with a big "Dahbye!!" as a greeting. Tonight we went out to get a few thing and when we got back, Marcus pushed the doorbell over and over. My dad popped his head out of the door and Marcus got this huge grin on his face (he was asking for him the entire time we were gone) and said "Hiiiiiiii, Dahpoff". It was so cute. Love that kid.

Jamesen is still warming up to them. He's getting use to being here though. He's sleeping a lot better. The first few nights were really rough. I'm so thankful Sabe was here for me to be able to elbow and say "It's your turn" to when I had already gotten up a few times. We're adjusting pretty well, though soon we'll have to say bye bye to daddy for a few months :(

I've done it before, but I was pregnant with Marcus at the time, so the boys haven't. The only thing close to is was the year in Kentucky when they'd go for a few days at a time without seeing Sabe. That was hard enough! At least we have dahbye, dahpop and their huge back yard with their new swingset to help me entertain them for the next couple weeks! It's almost finished! Just need us to buy one part that we're missing and then it'll be all finished! I'll post some pics then. That's a whole other blog post :)

Helloooooo Las Vegas!

Here I sit in Las Vegas where it's roughly 55 degrees. The kids played out in my mom's sandbox all afternoon and dug around in the dirt some too. No heavy coats/mittens/hats, no frozen fingers/noses and no complaining about it being cold from anybody!

It's been awhile getting here! The last few days have been long and stressful, though spotted by a few really awesome things as well.

Sabe and I didn't have much furniture when we left Kentucky. The place we were living in was fully furnished, so we threw away our ragged old couch, tossed aside our dinky table, used our sad excuse for a bed as a guest bed and took full advantage of their dresser since we didn't own one. Living with the good stuff for a year made us realize what a predicament we were in. We decided that almost all of our tax refund this year was going towards new furniture. We were planning on waiting to buy anything until we got to where we were going. That is... until I saw an ad on facebook for a local furniture store going out of business. Sabe and I decided to go down there and check it out, in the off chance we would find something good.

The first thing we saw when we walked in were couches, and none of them were what we were looking for. A bit discouraged, we moved on to the tables and found one we loved but were a bit iffy on the price that it had tagged. From there we moved on to the beds and found a set that I loved immediately! We talked it over and decided that we would ask a sale's rep about the price and what not and decide from there. The price that he told me made my jaw drop. It was a 5 piece bedroom set including a bed, a dresser, a mirror and two night stands for $600. That was 60% off! It was too much of a steal for me to say no, so we signed the papers and got it, along with a mattress/box spring set for $300. We were feeling pretty good about ourselves when we went to pick the items up (after getting Sabe's truck) but I had a nagging feeling about the table. We really liked and it and I knew I was never going to find another deal like 60% off, so I had Sabe ask how much it was. The table and 6 chairs was $700. Another steal we couldn't say no to, so we gobbled it up as well.

I'm still riding the high of spending only $1700 on almost everything that we needed to get. I was expecting it to be way more than that for everything we got. We had to upgrade our storage unit though, so we called in some favors and were able to move all of it in just a few hours. Thanks Skylar and Aaron!

News on my missing laptop isn't so great. They still don't know where it is and it's starting to really irritate me, especially since I've got a ton of stuff piling up on me that need photoshop to get done. Hopefully they find it soon. If they don't, I'll be pushing for a new one!

The drive down was relatively good. We left a little late at about 7 pm last night. I was hoping that the boys would sleep most of the way if we left that late and we had the dvd players for when they were awake. That didn't really go to plan... Marcus passed out about half an hour into the drive and slept for about 2 hours so it took FOREVER for him to go to sleep last night. Luckily though, he was very happy and cheerful the entire time he was awake. Jamesen stayed awake for the first 3.5 hours, slept for about 45 minutes and then screamed the last 45. As much as it's hard to drive with a screaming baby (especially when you know that it will be much better to just push forward and get there so you can take them out and leave them out), it could have been so much worse! He was so happy and giggly before he fell asleep. He doesn't normally like long car rides, so I was very thankful for that.

Time went a lot faster for me when it was dark than when it's light. I've driven during the day quite a few times and it never went that fast for me. I was pleasantly surprised when we got over the hill and saw Vegas like a sea of lights in front of us. That was the best drive down to Vegas I've ever had with the boys! What a nice change.

We're adjusting well and have everything already settled in it's new place, ready for the next few months and loving this warm weather! Can't wait to get my lappy back so I can share some pics with you!

Laptop Woes

My laptop was lost on it's way to get fixed. Apparently the guy that sent it out, sent it to the wrong place. Here's the part that confuses me... I called the place it was supposed to be at and they said they didn't have it, so I called the place that shipped it (a local Radioshack) and they said they got an email saying that it wasn't under warranty. I called my warranty place and said that it indeed was under warranty, with a year to spare even, so with them on the phone, we conference called the Radioshack and talked to the manager who said she couldn't find it. She was the same person who told me she got the email, so obviosly whoever sent the email has the laptop right?? You'd think.. That was all on Monday. They said they would track it down and give me a call back. I didn't get a call back and I forgot to call until yesterday and they told me "We're still trying to track it down. We'll call you when we do, or you can try calling back in a few days."

Wow, what a vote of confidence! I'm amazed they can't find it, a week after I was supposed to have it back. That Monday I called, I was expecting them to tell me that it was done and was being shipped back to the Radioshack. Not that it was lost en route and that not only is it lost, but it still has to be found and fixed before I can get it back.

I wasn't planning on not having my laptop. I've done a shoot and have another one right before I leave. Those pics are going to have to just in my camera with the others of the boys that I've taken for awhile I guess. It's a good thing Sabe just let me buy another memory card!

I guess the only bad thing in this situation is that it's taking so long to get my lappy back. If they can't find it, they'll have to get me a new one, so it's not like I'll really be losing anything but time. Though time is money, and it's really irritating!

Wow, sorry I just realized my few posts have been complogging posts. I'll cut that out quick ;)